Telling your children about your divorce is one of the hardest conversations you can have, but you handle it with care, preparation, and empathy. Talk to a counselor or use age-appropriate books to guide the discussion, tell your kids together with your co-parent, and have a before you sit down with your kids. The goal is to give them reassurance, stability, and space to process their emotions.
Take a Thoughtful and Educated Approach
When it comes to telling your children that you are getting a divorce, the key is to tell them with care. This is not a conversation to rush or handle impulsively, it should be approached with sensitivity and preparation.
If your children already see a counselor, that is often a good place to start. They know your children’s emotional and mental health needs and can guide you on how to communicate the news in a healthy, age-appropriate way. If your children don’t have a counselor, but you and your spouse do (even if it is a marriage counselor), ask that therapist for advice. They can help you frame the conversation in a way that minimizes your children’s fear and confusion.
If you don’t have access to counseling, there are still great resources available. Many libraries have children’s books designed to help kids understand divorce, written specifically for their age level and emotional maturity. Reading a story together can open the door for honest discussion and comfort your child with relatable examples.
Present a United Front
If possible, you should tell your children together. This helps them see that even though the marriage is ending, you are both committed to working together and caring for them. Choose a calm, private setting and pick a time when there is space to talk and process. You should avoid telling them before school or bedtime.
Children will take emotional cues from you, so try to stay composed and clear. Be honest and reassuring: let them know that while things are changing, they are still loved and supported by both parents.
Have a Plan Before You Talk
Children, especially older ones, often respond to the news of divorce with questions:
- “Where am I going to live?”
- “Who will I spend holidays with?”
- “Are we going to have to move?”
These are valid concerns, and you should not approach this conversation without some answers. If you tell your children that you have no idea what’s going to happen next, it can create a sense of instability and fear.
Before you sit down with them, work with your co-parent to create a preliminary plan, even if it is just a temporary one. Plan to tell your children that “We have thought about this, and we have a plan,” helps them feel safe during an uncertain time.
Remember: Every Child Is Different
The right approach will depend on your children’s age, personalities, and emotional maturity. Younger children may need more reassurance about daily routines, while teenagers may want more detailed information and space to express frustration or sadness. Take cues from your kids and let them guide you on how much they want to talk.
And most importantly, remind them that your divorce is not their fault. Children often internalize family conflict, so repeating this message consistently helps them heal and adjust.
Contact us here for more information or you can call (239) 334-0075.
FAQs
1. Should we tell our children separately or together?
Whenever possible, tell them together. Hearing the news from both parents shows unity and prevents mixed messages.
2. What if we don’t have all the answers yet?
That’s okay but try to have a basic plan in place before you talk. Even temporary solutions about where they will live or where they will go to school can reduce anxiety.
3. How can we help our children process the news?
Encourage open conversation, consider involving a child therapist or counselor, and use age-appropriate books to help them understand and express their feelings.
Bergermann Law Firm was founded in 1996 by Vera Bergermann. Ms. Bergermann has been practicing law since 1979 and has over 40 years of legal experience.
Ms. Bergermann’s first law job was as the 1979 summer intern for the State’s Attorney’s Office, Juvenile Division, Homicide Unit, on the South Side of Chicago. This eye-opening experience led her to the corporate world later that summer when she joined the legal department at ITT and became a staff attorney negotiating and drafting contracts for telecommunication systems.
