Going through the holidays after a divorce can be emotionally challenging, but it can be peaceful with proper planning, empathy, and communication. You should discuss holiday schedules in advance, aim for fairness, and avoid guilt-tripping your children. The goal should be to create new holiday traditions that prioritize the well-being of everyone.
Divorce: Making Plans for the Holidays
When it comes to handling the holidays during or after a divorce, advance planning is the key to a happier healthier holiday season. Waiting until the last minute almost always leads to more stress and more conflict. Before the season arrives, sit down with your co-parent, perhaps with the help of a mediator or collaborative team and talk through what feels fair and comfortable for everyone.
Approach these discussions with the Golden Rule in mind: treat your co-parent the way you would like to be treated. If you don’t want them to claim the entire Thanksgiving week, don’t do it yourself. The goal is not to “win” the holidays, it is to make sure your children feel loved, supported, and included by both parents.
Example: Dividing Holiday Time
A great way to share holidays is by splitting the days or alternating years. For example, with Thanksgiving, one parent might have 8:00 AM to 2:00 PM, perfect for watching the parade and enjoying an early meal, while the other might have 2:00 PM to 8:00 PM for football and dinner.
Christmas can be divided in the same way:
- December 24 from noon to December 25 at noon, and
- December 25 from noon to December 26 at noon.
The next year, you can swap schedules to keep things balanced. The same idea works for New Year’s Eve and other special occasions.
However, every family is different. If one parent travels during the holidays, a split schedule may not make sense. In that case, it is often better to give one parent several consecutive days, with the understanding that the other parent will get that same block of time the following year.
Don’t Let Your Divorce Steal the Joy of the Holidays
It is easy to get caught up in the details, who gets Christmas morning, or which house hosts Christmas dinner, but keep the focus on your children. Is it worth disrupting their time with grandparents or extended family just to stick to a rigid schedule? Sometimes, flexibility is the best gift you can give.
Remember: the holidays are about love, not logistics. A cooperative attitude helps your children feel secure and lets them enjoy the holidays without guilt or divided loyalties.
What to Do When Your Kids Are With Their Other Parent
One of the hardest parts of post-divorce life is spending a part of a holiday without your children. It is perfectly natural to feel sad and lonely but try not to wallow in it. Use this time to do something positive for yourself. Some take a short trip, visit friends, or even go on a cruise.
What you don’t want to do is call your kids repeatedly to say how much you miss them. While it might come from a place of love, it can make your children feel guilty about having fun with their other parent. Instead, show them that you are doing well and looking forward to your next time together. That reassurance helps them relax and enjoy the holidays fully.
FAQs
1. How far in advance should I plan holiday custody schedules?
Start conversations several months in advance. Early planning prevents misunderstandings and gives you both time to make travel or family arrangements.
2. What if my co-parent is not willing to compromise?
If discussions become tense, consider using a Collaborative Divorce professional or Mediator. Neutral guidance can help you both to focus on solutions instead of emotions.
3. How can I make the holidays special even when my kids are not with me?
Create new holiday traditions, host a “second Christmas,” plan a trip, or enjoy some self-care. Your kids will see your resilience and learn that joy is not dependent on a specific date.
Bergermann Law Firm was founded in 1996 by Vera Bergermann. Ms. Bergermann has been practicing law since 1979 and has over 40 years of legal experience.
Ms. Bergermann’s first law job was as the 1979 summer intern for the State’s Attorney’s Office, Juvenile Division, Homicide Unit, on the South Side of Chicago. This eye-opening experience led her to the corporate world later that summer when she joined the legal department at ITT and became a staff attorney negotiating and drafting contracts for telecommunication systems.
